The bachelor's best friend

Roy Cezana's first column published in Scientific American

ByRoey Tsezana

I am proud to present to you my first column in Scientific American-Israel, a column that fully reflects the bitter slogan 'Science - from a slightly different angle'. (And I highly recommend purchasing the magazine and reading with pleasure. By a strange coincidence, a long and interesting article about the prospect of eternal life was published this month)

"Another Lemonade?" asked the graceful waitress at Cinta Bar, the regular meeting place in Haifa.

"No, thank you," I politely declined, "I'm waiting for a friend."

I turned my face to the front door, and saw Ilan in the middle of a heated argument with the security guard. His thin arms rose and fell in excitement, and his thin face was flushed. Beside him was a small black puppy.

"T- Listen, I have to take this dog with me!" Ilan said in an uncharacteristic manner. The security guard, for his part, stood like a wall. I decided to intervene.

"Hey Ilan. What's up with the dog? Why doesn't he stay outside?"

"I can't," said Ilan in despair, "you have to understand - Rexy is my ticket to a relationship. He is going to find me the one and only. Love of my life."

"Oh." I started to understand. Ilan has strange ideas sometimes. "Maybe leave the dog tied up at the entrance for now? We'll keep an eye on him from the bar, and maybe we'll also get him a beefburger."

He tied Rexy outside, and joined me at the bar. I slipped him the limo I had ordered for him in advance.

"So what's the deal with the dog?" I asked.

"It's a bit complicated," admitted Ilan. "Have you heard about the theory of female sexuality and the good genes?"

"Wait," I put my forehead in my hands. "do not tell me…"

The theory relies on the fact that human women are fertile for a few days each month - a few days before ovulation, until the day of ovulation itself. At this stage they may become pregnant if they have sex. This means that a woman's life is necessarily divided into two states: fertile and non-fertile, and in each of them she prefers a different type of male.

More than twenty studies show that a woman ovulating, or very close to ovulation, prefers a different type of man. At this stage they are attracted to dominant and tall males, with a masculine face and voice, and it is also desirable that they be well sculpted and chiseled. All these indicate the existence of excellent genes in the potential parent, which will be passed on to their common offspring. This is a situation that also exists in the females of other animals, that the forces of evolution forced them to carefully choose the best male with whom to raise offspring.

But with humans, the childhood stage lasts for many years. Because of this, the woman needs not only a strong and muscular man, but a successful father who will be faithful to her and his children for years. But a bunch of trouble - precisely those men with good genes are in greater danger of being judged at the hands of other gene-thirsty women. They may be good genetic material for fertilization, but not for long-term parenting. Because of this, while the woman is not fertile, she is actually attracted to men who seem more faithful and settled in their souls. Such a man, if you manage to get him in her network, will take care of her offspring even if they don't necessarily belong to him. Especially if he is not aware of this fact.

"Yes," said Ilan, "that's the theory, exactly. And that's why Rexy goes everywhere with me now. Dogs can smell ovulation in animals, so I thought to myself - why not in humans too?"

"And he will find you the ovulating women, who are really waiting for some man-man to fertilize them?" I guessed. Another one of those sentences I never thought I'd say.

"Just the opposite!" Ilan said in a triumphant tone. "They are looking for the Eli Ohanas and the Bashvekins. What chance does a raisin like me have against those? The dog will tell me which of the women are in the non-fertile zone right now, and that way I'll know who I have a chance with and who I don't!"

"Sorry to interrupt," interrupted the bartender, "but maybe you want something else?" Especially you," she smiled at Ilan, who stammered something incomprehensible.

"We'll think about it, and get right back to you," I said diplomatically.

He turned to me as soon as she moved away, "Do you see what happened? Now I left Rexy out because of you! I don't know what to do you!"

"Well," I said, "maybe you should offer her to come see your dog? That way you will know what her condition is."

Ilan may be shy around women, but when he has new ideas, he erupts like a flame. Within a few minutes he and the barmaid were leaning next to Rexy, who was making funny faces and begging for a hamburger. I could see their hands meet as they stroked the dog together. She had a pleasant laugh. Even the gatekeeper smiled. Then he said something to her, and she stopped laughing.

"Well?" I asked him when he sat back down.

"She's fertile now." sigh "Not for me, and I explained it to her. I'm telling you, I just have no luck with women."