Forgive me, forgive me

Research proves that women apologize more than men. Why do they do it, does the reason lie in men and how does it affect the relationship?

Dr. Miriam Dishon-Berkowitz Galileo

A common opinion in Western society is that women apologize more often and more easily than men. Indeed, the title of the comedian Jim Belushi's book expresses this most strikingly: "Real Men Don't Apologize". is that so? Does this stereotype have an empirical basis?

A similar percentage of apologies

A single study from 1989 examined this issue and its findings show that women do apologize more than men. However, a central question remains unanswered: why do women apologize more? Is it because they committed more acts that require an apology, or is the threshold of men's sensitivity higher, and therefore men do not treat those acts as acts that require an apology? To answer this question, Karina Schuman and Michael Ross (Schumann, Ross) conducted two experiments, which they publish in an article in the journal Psychological Science.

In the first experiment, 33 women and 33 men participated, in which they were asked to fill out a questionnaire online every evening for 12 consecutive evenings. In the first part of the questionnaire, they were asked to describe three instances during the day when they apologized or did an act that required an apology, even if they did not actually apologize. In the second part of the questionnaire, the participants were asked to report on three cases during the past day, in which someone apologized to them or did an act directed against them and demanded an apology - even if they did not actually apologize to them.

In the second stage of the experiment, two independent judges read each of the apologies, and examined whether it included various elements such as remorse, acceptance of responsibility, admission of guilt, admission of causing damage, promise to behave better in the future, request for forgiveness, offer to correct the wrongdoing, and explanation of the deed in question . Finally, the judges classified the acts described into four categories: interpersonal harm (such as insults), an unfulfilled obligation (for example, not doing household chores), discomfort (such as because of dialing the wrong number) and damage to the body or property (for example, physically bumping into another person at the same time through the door).

From the analysis of the findings of the first experiment, it becomes clear that women and men did not differ in their definitions of what type of actions they saw as the apology requesters. Both men and women apologized in 29% of cases for an unfulfilled commitment; In 28% of cases for discomfort, in 23% of cases for interpersonal injury and in 20% of cases for damage to the body or property.

Second, the results showed that in everyday life women apologize more often than men. In addition, women reported that they had committed more acts requiring an apology than men reported. However, it is interesting to note that the percentage of apologies was the same for men and women. Both women and men apologized for approximately 80% of the actions described by those requesting an apology. Moreover, no differences were found between women and men in the content of the apology, that is, in the words they chose to say.

What might be the explanation for the results? Since women apologized more frequently than men but the rate of apologies was the same, it is possible that women's decision threshold in determining what act requires an apology is lower. In other words, women and men classify differently what is considered an act requiring an apology, and what is not considered an act requiring an apology. The purpose of the second experiment was to test this issue.

What are they apologizing for?

63 women and 57 men participated in the second experiment. The participants were asked to imagine that they had committed some acts that required an apology, for example they did not fulfill their part in preparing a joint work in a university course, and as a result their friend's grade was damaged. Half of the subjects were asked to imagine that they had committed these acts towards a friend, and half towards a girlfriend. The participants were asked to rate the degree of seriousness of each act and indicate whether in their opinion it requires an apology, and how likely they are to apologize for this act.

In the second phase of the experiment, the participants were asked to recall a recent incident in which they hurt a friend or company. They were asked to rate the degree of severity of each case, and to indicate whether they thought their friend deserved an apology and if they did apologize to him/her.

The results of the experiment show that although women and men were asked to imagine that they had committed the exact same act, women judged the acts as more serious than men judged them. Also, compared to men, women thought the actions were more apologetic. Moreover, the women judged the acts they remembered as more serious than men judged the acts they remembered, and believed more than men that the act required an apology.

Now you can understand why she is angry

In conclusion, the results of the two experiments confirm the prevailing stereotype in society according to which women apologize more frequently than men. However, contrary to popular opinion, men do not apologize less because they believe that it is not appropriate for a man to apologize. The findings of the experiments indicate that the reason for the lower frequency of men's apologies is due to the fact that men have a higher sensitivity threshold for determining what is considered an offensive act that requires an apology.

This has clear consequences for marital relationships: if the partner interprets a given act of her partner as requiring an apology, but her partner does not even notice the act, she will interpret his lack of apology as proof that he is not sensitive enough to her needs... the results of this misunderstanding can be imagined Easily.

Dr. Miriam Dishon-Berkowitz is a psychologist, organizational and marketing consultant and a lecturer at the Ono Academic College.

The full article was published in Galileo magazine, December 2010