Why is it important to us that others understand us\ Shani Wiedergorn

Humans behave in society. If it weren't for our understanding of the other and vice versa, we probably wouldn't have been able to survive. In today's society, where everyone specializes in their own occupation, our need for others is even more noticeable

The argument was between unequal forces - on one side an adult man, and on the other - a two-year-old girl. Nevertheless the debate was stuck. She repeated that she did not want any shirt from the folded shirts in the closet. "Only the orange shirt. Only the orange." No orange shirt miraculously appeared in the closet. Finally, in some sudden flash, the orange shirt was found in the laundry area, a shirt worn the day before, waiting to be washed. "Is that the shirt you meant?" "Yes! This is the shirt I meant." With a wonderful feeling of victory, she repeated this sentence over and over again and calmed down, "That's the shirt I meant." That's what I meant. This is the shirt I meant." Although finding the shirt was obviously not useful, it was already possible to move forward from here.

The sense of understanding her intention seemed to change the situation, even if the actual results did not improve for her at all. The shirt she wanted is dirty and she will have to wear another shirt. But understanding and acknowledging her desire made all the difference. It doesn't just happen to kids. The feeling of understanding has a profound and significant effect on adults as well. Why is it important to us that others understand us?

Humans behave in society. If it weren't for our understanding of the other and vice versa, we probably wouldn't have been able to survive. In today's society, where everyone specializes in their own occupation, our need for others is even more noticeable - we need someone else to grow our food for us, build us a house suitable for living in, or pay for our hard work. And even without the need for a reasonable understanding of our needs by others, it seems that we continue to send messages to the world in the hope of gaining understanding from others. Real or virtual support groups thrive. We write blogs, articles, tweet on Twitter or tell about our exploits on Facebook. We invest an effort of thought and time in the correct wording of messages so that others understand us. True, sometimes our messages carry financial value, for example for those involved in product marketing or teaching. But often these messages simply say "look at me..."

Therefore it seems that our need for another person to understand our needs is not only practical. This is an ancient and primary need. Human babies are born completely helpless, and they depend on their caregivers to understand their needs to such an extent that it will enable, and help, them to survive. In psychology, there is a group of theories that refer to a baby's need for another object as a basis for understanding personality. At the head of this is the object relations theories of Melanie Klein, a psychoanalyst who lived back in Freud's time, who refers to the human psyche on the basis of the relationships it creates with its environment. Melanie Klein probably laid the foundation for a group of psychological theories that deal mainly with relationships with the other, and with the human need "to be understood". From this perspective on primary relationships, an approach has developed that refers to interpersonal relationships within psychotherapy as a way of mental treatment.

If Freud and the psychoanalytic approaches that are a direct development of his words focused on the understanding of one person, the intersubjective approach in psychology refers to the meeting between the psychologist and the patient as a variable and dependent process between two subjects. Within this encounter there is an understanding of the person standing in front of me, and this understanding is extremely significant. In this psychological approach, the interpersonal interaction is the one that will contribute to the healing and assistance process of the person who comes to consult a psychologist. The main clarification of therapeutic issues in this approach is expected to take place in a meeting between two people, two subjects, while understanding the sensations and experiences felt by both the therapist and the patient in the meeting. From this understanding growth - and healing - should occur.

Robert Stoloro, one of the contemporary thinkers of this approach, a member and founder of the Institute for Contemporary Psychoanalysis in Los Angeles, describes how important the experience of understanding is to development. According to his writings, repeated encounters between children and those who take care of them become permanent patterns that shape their set of emotional responses, and subsequently, their relationships. Repeated malattunement, situations in which children's feelings and emotions are consistently dismissed, rejected, or ridiculed, can lead to emotional difficulties according to Stoloro. That is, nurturing and quality care of a child or toddler does not only mean providing food, security, warmth and basic hygiene, but also, and no less important than physical needs, an understanding of their feelings and intentions.

So the need to be understood may be part of the physical and emotional development process. But this need does not disappear with the end of development. Feeling understood by another person has been found to affect mental and physical well-being, according to a group of researchers from the University of Virginia. They investigated the issue with the help of 128 students who filled out a daily diary for 13 days of their lives, and reported how their day went, how they felt physically and also how understood by others they felt that day. A clear connection was found between satisfaction from the previous day and a feeling of understanding among others, and fewer physical symptoms expressing a feeling of illness. This finding was stronger among people who regard their social connections as an important aspect of their lives (note about questionnaires in science in general: information obtained from a questionnaire can also be interpreted in the opposite way - a good day is a day when I will feel understood. Nevertheless, there is a connection between the two).

So understanding others makes us feel good. Several reasons can be put forward for this. First, if we are understood by others, we are probably in the right direction - both in our actions, and socially. If what we are doing is understood by other people, there is a good chance that it will lead to agreement with our steps - and this in itself constitutes encouragement or positive reinforcement - we turned out to be right. Even if there is no agreement regarding our feelings or actions, understanding them forms the basis for a sense of importance, that we are seen in the world and that even if we were wrong (and a mistake is often frustrating) these feelings are legitimate. From a mistake that is a fall that entails frustration or sadness, it is possible to recover more easily, if we are given a hand that helps us get up, on the wings of understanding.

Sources:
The journal study
Janetta Lun, Selin Kesebir, Shigehiro Oishi (2008) On feeling understood and feeling well: The role of interdependence. Journal of Research in Personality, 42, 1623–1628

Robert Stoloro's blog

A blog post by Robert Stolero in which he addresses understanding and character

To Shani Wiedergorn's blog